the spotless mind.

fri aug 29

stuck on you. i wish you were alive. i cant imagine anyone else loving me the way you did.

you loved every part of me, everything i said. i couldnt believe it.

i dream of death.

last night i dreamt that i was in the states and i finally saw joe. it was awkward cos we havent talked much recently. anyway, we were going somewhere and i was in his car. we were talking about whether we're staying together and i guess we agreed to. so next we talked about what we should do later, what's going now, etc. then we were in a car crash.

maybe around 11pm and i tried calling you.

i woke up [in dream] and i knew that you died. and i was crying and crying cos i didnt have you anymore and nothing was gonna be the same again. i tried going to school in mapua and i was just so sad. i wasnt paying attention to anything. when there was a break between classes id go to the bathroom or walk to my next class somewhere that people barely walk and just start crying.

woke up for real and its 1am, tried calling you.

then i guess im just going through each day and at random times something would happen like i heard something funny and i cant call you cos youre gone so i just stop dialing and then i start crying cos we'll never be able to do the things that we used to anymore :(

woke up again 4am, still cant reach you. sposed to do hw but too sad. cant get up for school.

in the dream, im in torre now. its been a week later. im visiting everyone for thefirst time in a while and everyones asking what's wrong then i start crying and i tell them that youre gone and it happned april 30 [in my dream its already may 4] and everyone feels bad for me cos they didnt know and they try to make me feel better but i cant stop crying :(

5am. got up to get ready for school.

iono, i feel really weird like a week really has passed already even though i dreamt all of that in one night. each time i went back to sleep it was just a continuation of the dream before it. i dont remember much anymore cos it's evening now. almost 7pm and the dream is from this morning. i do remember how sad i felt and how i was just going through the motions and that i felt even worse every time i woke up to try to call you and you dont answer. i guess itd be fine if someone answered to tell me you're busy or that you're out but the phone would just ring so im really worried now.

okay uhm.. so even though death is always sad. i DO know [from pam always checking dream dictionaries] that death in a dream isnt bad at all. it usually means new beginnings. which made me feel only a tiny bit better cos that's what im hoping for us. i hope that later you'll tell me why youve been so busy? hopefully its good news?

but the few times i did manage to talk to you on the phone, you didnt sound so happy to hear from me :\ i hope it really means youre just busy like you said. but please tell me if you're only humoring me now, just agreeing to talk to me cos thats what i want. i dont wanna have you on the phone if you dont really care anymore =(

sorry if my dream doesnt really seem important. i had more to say about it earlier when i kept tryna call you, even at school. but now i forgot it all since im more worried about why i cant get a hold of you..

i just wanna know what's going on..